


I Loved And I Lost You (It Hurts..Like Hell)

by LWritesx



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Agony, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Emotional Hurt, Heavy Angst, Hurt No Comfort, M/M, No Fluff, Past Relationship(s), Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-15 08:25:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,608
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18495130
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LWritesx/pseuds/LWritesx
Summary: The cutest half smile plays on Magnus' lips and he rambles on-- something about Jamaica and flying and a coach?-- but Asmodeus' words keep replaying in his mind, like some old, dusty record.break his heart to save his life.He wants to to scream. Punch the stupid demon in the throat for even suggesting something so ridiculous. Fall to his knees in Magnus' embrace, ask him what to do.But he can't.





	I Loved And I Lost You (It Hurts..Like Hell)

**Author's Note:**

> Just a 3x18 ficlet. Title from Hurts like Hell by fleurie.

Dread flickers in and out of his stomach, like fireflies.

He's as tense as a wire, and the tension in his muscles only grow as Magnus gently places his hand on Alec's shoulder, massaging lightly.

"You okay?" His boyfriend asks him, softly.

Alec forces a smile onto his face, humming lightly.

"Oh. You seemed stressed," Magnus continues.

Steeling himself for what's going to happen next, Alec turns to face him, causing Magnus to let his hands fall off the other man's shoulders.

"Actually," Alec says, watching Magnus' hands somewhat awkwardly dangle at his sides, "That's what I came here to talk about."

Magnus tilts his head to the side, gesturing for him to continue, "I've been feeling a bit overwhelmed... And to be honest, I need a break."

The cutest half smile plays on Magnus' lips and he rambles on-- something about Jamaica and flying and a coach?-- but Asmodeus' words keep replaying in his mind, like some old, dusty record.

_break his heart to save his life._

"No, Magnus," his doesn't even try to hide the way his breath shudders and he knows that it's begun, "I need a break. From us."

Alec wants to scream. Punch the stupid demon in the throat for even suggesting something so ridiculous. Fall to his knees in Magnus' embrace, ask him what to do.

But he can't.

He can't.

_hecan't.hecan't.hecan't._

So Alec inhales deeply, preparing to deal the next painful blow.

"Is this about last night?" Magnus blurts, his eyebrows furrowing, "Because I'm going to quit drinking--"

"This isn't about you drinking" Alec says, forcing to keep the blank expression on his face, "It's about what what you said-- that you'll never be happy without your magic."

The temperature of the suddenly room drops and Alec would swear by the Angel that it feels like waking up to another bitingly cold morning in Idris. Both their moods simultaneously turn as dark as a moonless night. Magnus looks at him unsurely, as though he heard the words that left Alec's mouth, but doesn't quite understand them. Doesn't _want_ to understand them. He turns, as if in thought. Then, he scoffs and faces Alec again.

"Look," Magnus' once steady gaze flicks to the ground, as if he can't bear to maintain eye contact with Alec, "I-I was being dramatic."

It hurts him to see the man he loves like this-- sad, depressed, hurting. It hurts him even more to say these things aloud-- these lies that he knows would cause even more irreversible damage to their already hanging-by-a-thread relationship. And it hurts him the most to think that; to know that he has to loose Magnus in order for him to be happy.

What was the age old saying again?

If you love someone, set them free. If they come back, they're yours. If they don't, they never was.

But there would be no coming back from this. Like he established earlier, Magnus has done so much for him, for his family, he's sacrificed everything for Alec's _parabatai_ and brother. Now, it's his turn to sacrifice something-- even if it is their relationship-- for Magnus, so that he can have his best life.

Because when you love someone, you want them to have their best life, don't you?

And in Magnus' case, his best life included his magic, didn't it?

_I won't be the first person he's loved, and I won't be the last._

It goes even further downhill from there.

"No," Alec's steady gaze holds onto Magnus, desperately begging him to believe what he's saying, "You were being honest. I know the difference."

Alec did know the difference. There was something utterly _freeing_ about being proud and honest about who you are rather than living under the _suffocating_ feeling of knowing that you'll have to pretend to be someone you're not for the rest of your life. That wasn't the matter at hand right now, though.

"Fine, I'm in pain," Magnus replies, his voice a little bit unsteady, "But you solution to break up-- h-how is that going to fix _anything?_ "

_Oh, Magnus._

They say the eyes are the window to the soul, and looking into Magnus' eyes, seeing the pain deep within his  _soul_ , Alec almost caves. Almost breaks. But he doesn't. He needs to be strong.

He's promised himself to do whatever it takes for Magnus; to help him heal, to help him get his magic back, to help him be happy again.

If this is what he has to do, then so be it.

In the back of his mind, a tiny voice sounding suspiciously like his sister asks, _but will either of you recover? You didn't answer me when I asked, so I'm asking again. Will **you** recover?_

Alec's inclined to say no, he won't recover, but this is not about him.

The voice goes away.

"There is no fixing this," Alec whispers, voice wavering "You said there's nothing I can do to make it better."

"It's not your job to make it better," Magnus tells him, eyes glossing over.

"Then what am I supposed to do? Just stand by and watch you suffer for the rest of our lives?" Alec asks, looking up at the ceiling to blink back the tears.

There's an implication there. _The rest of our lives._ He forces back flashes of sitting in his office at the Institute, staring at his family ring, imagining what it would look like on Magnus' lithe finger with a small smile on his lips.

Magnus doesn't pick up on the implication, thank the Angel.

"Okay. Okay," he says in an oddly calm, rational manner, "This--This isn't you. You're not this selfish. Days ago you told me you couldn't bear to loose me."

One of the things Alec loves most about Magnus Bane is his stubbornness and tenacity.

He should have known that Magnus would have played that card. 

_I love you. I love you. And_   _I'm not being selfish. I'm doing this because you are my world and I want you to be okay, my love. One day, when you're happy and in love, you'll understand why I did this._

Someone once wrote that the Nephilim loved but once-- fiercely. Alec can't help but think it's true; he's never loved someone this deeply and passionately before. He's never cared for someone this fiercely before.

And he doesn't think he ever will again.

Guilt replaces the dread in his stomach. Guilt, such an ugly, heavy feeling that doesn't settle well, like a black, bottomless pit inside him. If there's one thing he's ever said in his life that he wishes he could take back, it would be what he tells Magnus next.

"Days ago, I didn't know the spark inside of you-- the one I fell in love with-- was out for good."

That's it. Those are the words that will resonate with Magnus. Those are the words that will hurt him the most. Alec wants to throw up. What's going to eat at him later is the fact that even though what he's saying isn't necessarily true, there was still some honesty in his words.

As much of a rock as Alec was to Magnus' in this situation, his magic was _so much more_ than some gift or ability he inherited at birth. It was a _part_ of him, as a person. And until he gets that part of himself back, he's in no condition to be juggling so much emotional and physical distress at one time. Plus there was his mini identity crisis too, so logically, taking some time away from each other makes sense, doesn't it?

He can't bring himself to look at Magnus as he leaves. Alec keeps his gaze on the exit as he brushes past Magnus, who grabs onto the sleeves of his jacket in a vice like grip.

"No, no, no, please," Magnus says lowly, and Alec wants nothing more to wrap him in his embrace, to promise him that he was never leaving, to.. to reaffirm just how much he loves him, "I've-- I've lost everything. I've lost my home, my job, my powers..."

Magnus' hands hold onto his cheek and the side of his neck tightly, urgently, and he rises to the tips of his toes to be face-to-face with Alec, he gently tugs Alec down so that he can feel Magnus' cool breath against his lips, Magnus' soft skin against his own.

"I can't loose you too, Alec. Okay?"

Magnus captures Alec's lips for a soft, tender kiss. He doesn't reciprocate at first, and he can't seem to pull away. He's caught up under Magnus' spell until he hears Asmodeus' words echo in his head once again.

_Break his heart to save his life._

Alec pulls away gently, and allows himself to enjoy just a bit more of Magnus' embrace.

"Stay with me, okay?" Magnus whispers against Alec's lips, "Come on, stay with me."

_Break his heart to save his life._

"Magnus...I can't," he whispers back, caressing Magnus' hands, "I'm sorry."

He watches in silent despair as Magnus visibly stumbles back as though he'd been hit, shock ever so present on his face. Without so much as a glance back, Alec leaves the room.

Later that day, Alec would cry in his sister's lap as he explains everything. Izzy would shed a few tears with him, run her hand through his hair while silently vowing to do some serious damage to Asmodeus.

  ~~ _And in the real world, Matthew Daddario and Jonathan Ho comes up with a joint epic, elaborate plan to get them back together as the malec stans in the shadowfam break._~~

 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm ashamed to admit that I watched this breakup scene so many times to get the exact dialogue and body language that I'm pretty sure I know it by heart at this point.


End file.
